I recently told someone that I believed that as you live your life, you should live a life of purpose. Every decision you make should be with the thought of how that decision will affect your future and that it will reflect what kind of legacy you will leave when you die.
There is a famous poem call "Time" that says:
"I have only just a minute. Only sixty seconds in it. Forced upon me, can't refuse it. Didn't seek it, didn't choose it. But it's up to me to use it. I must suffer if I lose it. Give account if I abuse it, Just a tiny little minute but eternity is in it."
It is very important who you choose as your friends, what career path you choose, what school you attend, who you marry if you decide to marry at all etc. Some decisions have a greater impact than others, but for the most part everything you decide has a larger result that will impact your life to some degree.
Some people are only afraid of the choices they make because they fear "judgment day" (when they have to face GOD at the end of their life), and they want to make sure they go to heaven. I however,also happen to take into account the time before you get to judgment day when you have to deal with the repercussions and the outcome of the decisions you make in your life here on earth. I try to live my life this way because I learned very early on that the decisions you make you will have to account for.
You see, I was born to a woman who fell in love with a man she had a relationship with. Like so many women in her same shoes, she realized way too late that this man did not feel for her the same way she felt about him. So, on a hot summer day in Chicago, Illinois my mother hailed a cab and on August 7th, 1978 at 12:07 PM she gave birth to her baby girl.
Heartbroken and disillusioned, my mother decided to have me anyway even though she knew that there would be a blank space on my birth certificate when it came to the category of father and that she would probably have to raise me on her own.
I am sure that the coming weeks were not easy raising a child alone and trying to hold down a career in a big city. She found herself burning the candle at both ends and did all she could to be both mother and father and taking responsibility for her decisions.
Ultimately, my mother knew she couldn't do it all alone and moved back to her hometown where her family was in hopes that she could rely on them for support. My mother got married and spent the rest of her time as most mothers do making sure I did my best in school while developing culture and character. She took me on travels around the world; Spain, France, England, Martinique, Mexico, Canada, etc. She taught me foreign languages and we had many adventures. She made sure that I developed well and that I went to college.
As I went through life with an amazing grandfather as well as a father who ultimately adopted me, I didn't really miss knowing my "real" father although I was often curious about who he was and if I would meet him one day or even if he thought enough of me to try to find me.
At 14 years old my mother even took me back to Chicago to tell me the story of my existence. As she told me the story of a young woman developing her career while falling for a young impressive executive man climbing the corporate ladder tears flowed down my face. On that day I made a promise to myself to never fall in love with someone who would not love and care for me in a special way. It was a story that kept me from a lot of heartbreak and saved me from teen pregnancy.
As an adult woman, I could not shake the curiosity of finding my biological father. I had to know who he was and what he was up to and if he even wondered or even thought about me. Did he even care that I was alive? Did he know that I even existed? Did he wonder where I was? Was he looking for me like I was looking for him? Or did it even matter?
I have often thought about my life and what it even meant in the grand scheme of things. I have always been a champion of young people and a fighter for the poor and under served communities. I founded PEACE TV at 22 years old and fought with the elitist and politicians who could have cared less about the urban communities plight(still do). I worked for causes and companies that I was passionate about and gave my all in every job I committed myself to. All of the things I have done to do my part in "saving the world" or being an agent of positive social change didn't quite matter if at the end of the day I felt the pain and emptiness of not knowing why and how and who was responsible for why I was even alive (besides GOD of course). I know that through my struggles there are probably a lot of people who I might have touched or meant something to, but in my own life there has always been this longing to know or belong and realize ALL of who I am.
Today as a wife and mother of a child who will be ONE next week (I can't believe it!) I can say that it touches my heart to experience the love and relationship with my daughter has with her father. He loves her unconditionally and all that matters in the world to her is her "DA DA". I am so pleased to know that no matter what happens to me, my daughter will have what I could have only dreamed to have with my biological father. That she will not have to wonder about her father, or question his love for her, or worry about him not being there to support her needs or development in any way.
Yesterday, my life long quest of searching for my father ended at about 12 noon at the Plaza hotel Palm Court restaurant. When I saw him I instantly saw where I got my eyes, complexion, face shape and jaw. I asked him questions and he asked me questions and together we made discoveries. I left feeling glad that I decided to meet him.
Going forward is the trickier thing, because now, I need to understand what this means to my future.
It means one thing to my husband and daughter and a whole other thing to my mother who may have to somewhat re-live her past pain. The children of my biological father who have no idea that I even exist will have to find out about how this all came to be and last but not least I have to consider the father who gave me his name, put me through college, walked me down the aisle, and married me. The man who actually was responsible for another man's responsibility.
All I know is that GOD allowed me to come to be for a reason and my mother decided to allow me to live. As long as I am here I plan to make the best of things.
I was here...
I lived, I loved
I was here...
I did, I've done, everything that I wanted
And it was more than I thought it would be
I will leave my mark so everyone will know
I was here...
